Dictionary
All words have meaning. There are formal definitions that you’d find in a reputable dictionary. And then there are the real definitions: the ones that remain unspoken. You know what we’re speaking about: George Orwell wrote about it. And if you don’t know, then just pretend that you do. The Uselesstuff® Dictionary presents a selection of words and their unspoken definitions for your buying pleasure (whatever that means).
Part Two
Uselesstuff® Dictionary – Financial Institution
Series Nº 16656
fi·nan·cial in·sti·tu·tion (n.):
a middle-class casino.
Uselesstuff® Dictionary – Gambler
Series Nº 16657
gam·bler (n.):
a person who knows that the odds are stacked against them, but still thinks that they’re going to win.
Uselesstuff® Dictionary – Irony
Series Nº 16658
i·ro·ny (n.):
an object that rusts easily.
Uselesstuff® Dictionary – Flippant
Series Nº 16659
flip·pant (adj. & v.):
to invert a species from the family Formicidae.
Uselesstuff® Dictionary – But Wait… There’s More!
Series Nº 16660
But wait… there’s more! (phr.):
No… there isn’t.
Uselesstuff® Dictionary – Powerpoint
Series Nº 16661
pow·er·point (n.):
1. the most powerful sedative known to humanity;
2. the most powerful narcotic (2,4,6-trinitroboring) in the known universe.
Uselesstuff® Dictionary – Real Estate Agent, Realtor
Series Nº 16662
re·al es·tate a·gent, re·al·tor (n.):
someone you pay to help sell your house at an inflated price, only to realize that you’ll have to pay them again to buy another house that you can no longer afford.
Uselesstuff® Dictionary – Incredible
Series Nº 16663
in·cred·i·ble (adj.):
difficult to believe that it’s true, because it isn’t.
Uselesstuff® Dictionary – Stunning
Series Nº 16664
stun·ning (adj.):
an adjective used to stun any ability for rational logic or critical thinking out of people.
Uselesstuff® Dictionary – Terrific
Series Nº 16665
ter·rif·ic (adj.):
a word used to make terrifying things sound wonderful instead.
Uselesstuff® Dictionary – Support Our Troops
Series Nº 16666
sup·port our troops (phr.):
1. an empty statement used to imply action, rather than actual action;
2. better them, than us;
3. better you, than me.
Uselesstuff® Dictionary – Exclamation Mark
Series Nº 16667
ex·cla·ma·tion mark (n.):
1. a form of punctuation used by people who have forgotten how to write with any nuance;
2. a! form!! of! punctuation!!! used! by! people!!! who! have! forgotten!! how! to! write!! with! any! nuance!!!!!!!!;
3. a form of punctuation used by people who are trying to feign excitement;
4. a form of punctuation used by people who are trying to feign excitement in others.
Uselesstuff® Dictionary – Emoji
Series Nº 16668
e·mo·ji (n.):
1. a form of writing used by people who have forgotten how to use their own words;
2. a system of communication for people who have forgotten how to use their own words.
Uselesstuff® Dictionary – Brand
Series Nº 16669
brand (n. & v.):
a method of selling yourself to others that scars them for life.
Uselesstuff® Dictionary – Twitter
Series Nº 16670
twit·ter (adj., n. & v.):
1. like a twit, but only more so;
2. gossip;
3. hearsay;
4. failed haiku;
5. truth and lies, but mainly lies;
6. scandal in everything, including name;
7. screaming into the void;
8. trying to talk directly to a single person, but accidentally missing;
9. a failure to communicate;
10. attempting to reduce the profound beauty and complexity of the universe to a few lines of drivel.
Uselesstuff® Dictionary – Let’s Do Lunch
Series Nº 16671
let’s do lunch (phr.):
a statement used in Los Angeles meaning ‘let’s not…’.
Uselesstuff® Dictionary – That’s Interesting
Series Nº 16672
that’s in·ter·est·ing (phr.):
a British statement used to express genuine interest.
Uselesstuff® Dictionary – Index Fund
Series Nº 16673
in·dex fund (n.):
a convenient way to invest in a bunch of companies without having to worry about the ethically questionable things that they’re doing.
Uselesstuff® Dictionary – Hedge Fund
Series Nº 16674
hedge fund (n.):
a convenient way for rich people to cheat the rest of the market.
Uselesstuff® Dictionary – Mutual Fund
Series Nº 16675
mu·tu·al fund (n.):
a way for financial professionals to profit from your money, yet still underperform the market average.
Uselesstuff® Dictionary – Privacy Policy
Series Nº 16676
pri·va·cy pol·i·cy (n.):
a document used by those who want to violate your right to privacy.
Uselesstuff® Dictionary – Social Media
Series Nº 16677
so·cial me·di·a (n.):
1. you do all of the work, while we make all of the money;
2. a company that knows more about you than you do about yourself;
3. a place for telling the whole world about personal problems that you’d never tell your closest family and friends;
4. a company that willingly sells your personal information to literally anyone.
Uselesstuff® Dictionary – Second Headquarters
Series Nº 16678
sec·ond head·quar·ters (n.):
1. a new corporate campus based in a city that offers the biggest tax break that its citizens cannot afford;
2. a new corporate campus based in the same city as its workaholic CEO’s vacation home.
Uselesstuff® Dictionary – Mindfulness
Series Nº 16679
mind·ful·ness (n.):
1. a 99¢ app for those without the time, dedication, or patience to meditate;
2. a futile exercise for people without the time, patience, or knowledge to meditate properly.
Uselesstuff® Dictionary – End User License Agreement
Series Nº 16680
end us·er li·cense a·gree·ment (n.):
a document that you’ll never read, and that strips you of all the legal rights you assumed you had.
Uselesstuff® Dictionary – Mediocrity
Series Nº 16681
me·di·oc·ri·ty (n.):
1. the person who owns this;
2. the person wearing this shirt.
Uselesstuff® Dictionary – Arbitration
Series Nº 16682
ar·bi·tra·tion (n.):
a legal process for those who know that they’ll lose any jury case.
Uselesstuff® Dictionary – Pen
Series Nº 16683
pen (n.):
a method of writing for those too lazy to use a quill and ink.
Uselesstuff® Dictionary – Typewriter
Series Nº 16684
type·writ·er (n.):
a method of writing for those too lazy to use a pen.
Uselesstuff® Dictionary – Word Processor
Series Nº 16685
word pro·ces·sor (n.):
a typewriter for those too lazy to make mistakes.