Dictionary
All words have meaning. There are formal definitions that you’d find in a reputable dictionary. And then there are the real definitions: the ones that remain unspoken. You know what we’re speaking about: George Orwell wrote about it. And if you don’t know, then just pretend that you do. The Uselesstuff® Dictionary presents a selection of words and their unspoken definitions for your buying pleasure (whatever that means).
Part One
Uselesstuff® Dictionary – Advertising
Series Nº 16242
ad·ver·tis·ing (n.):
1. creative lying;
2. professional lying.
Uselesstuff® Dictionary – Philosophy
Series Nº 16263
phi·los·o·phy (n.):
1. helping you make others look dumber since the beginning of civilization;
2. a discipline to help understand why others are dumber than you;
3. helping delude you into assuming that you’re less dumb than other people since you thought you started learning the subject.
Uselesstuff® Dictionary – Capitalism
Series Nº 16264
cap·i·tal·ism (n.):
an economic system preferred by wealthy people.
Uselesstuff® Dictionary – Communism
Series Nº 16265
com·mu·nism (n.):
an economic system preferred by people who don’t like overachievers.
Uselesstuff® Dictionary – Consumer
Series Nº 16266
con·sum·er (n.):
customers that a business has so little respect for, that it refers to them as consumers.
Uselesstuff® Dictionary – Corporate Responsibility
Series Nº 16267
cor·po·rate re·spon·si·bil·i·ty (n.):
conspicuously advertising that you give 1% of your profits to charity, while you pocket the remaining 99%.
Uselesstuff® Dictionary – Economics
Series Nº 16268
ec·o·nom·ics (n.):
1. a field of study obsessed with explaining how irrational humans act rationally;
2. a convenient excuse for moral people to do immoral things, all while claiming to be purely amoral;
3. a method used by people to act immorally – claiming that if they didn’t do so, everyone else would.
Uselesstuff® Dictionary – Human Being
Series Nº 16269
hu·man be·ing (n.):
1. a special disposable type of corporation with no intrinsic economic value, but with full liability for everything that goes wrong;
2. an economic unit with no intrinsic value, except for its current assets and holdings.
Uselesstuff® Dictionary – Identity Thief
Series Nº 16270
i·den·ti·ty thief (n.):
1. social media network;
2. credit reporting agency;
3. search engine;
4. online retailer;
5. cellular network;
6. almost everything online;
7. Just change all of your passwords. Now.
Uselesstuff® Dictionary – Insurance
Series Nº 16271
in·sur·ance (n.):
you pay us repeatedly now for the privilege of denying your claim later.
Uselesstuff® Dictionary – Acronym
Series Nº 16272
A.C.R.O.N.Y.M. (abbr.):
an acronym for acronym.
Uselesstuff® Dictionary – Sorry Eh
Series Nº 16273
Sor·ry Eh (pr.n.):
a Canadian airline.
Uselesstuff® Dictionary – Certified
Series Nº 16274
cer·ti·fied (adj.):
certifiable.
Uselesstuff® Dictionary – Expert
Series Nº 16275
ex·pert (n.):
1. someone who mistakenly thinks that they know more than you do;
2. someone who realizes that they know less than you do, but is unwilling to admit it.
Uselesstuff® Dictionary – Meritocracy
Series Nº 16276
mer·i·to·cra·cy (n.):
a system preferred by those who already know that they’re going to win.
Uselesstuff® Dictionary – Oligopoly
Series Nº 16277
o·li·gop·o·ly (n.):
a system preferred by those who are already in charge.
Uselesstuff® Dictionary – Entropy
Series Nº 16278
en·tro·py (n.):
a system of organization that never fails.
Uselesstuff® Dictionary – Evangelist
Series Nº 16643
e·van·ge·list (n.):
a person who has lost the ability to think independently for themself.
Uselesstuff® Dictionary – Marketer
Series Nº 16644
mar·ket·er (n.):
a person who lacks the self-respect to call themself an advertiser.
Uselesstuff® Dictionary – Advertiser
Series Nº 16645
ad·ver·tis·er (n.):
1. a professional liar;
2. a pathological liar who has worked out how to make money from the skill.
Uselesstuff® Dictionary – Commentator
Series Nº 16646
com·men·ta·tor (n.):
someone whose brain and mouth operate independently of one another.
Uselesstuff® Dictionary – Selfie
Series Nº 16647
self·ie (n.):
1. a blemish on an otherwise-decent photograph;
2. taking a photograph of yourself facing away from the thing that you’re actually meant to be looking at.
Uselesstuff® Dictionary – Otherie
Series Nº 16648
oth·er·ie (n.):
an accidental selfie taken with the camera pointing the wrong way round.
Uselesstuff® Dictionary – Photograph
Series Nº 16649
pho·to·graph (n.):
1. an unspoiled selfie;
2. an accidental selfie taken with a phone pointing the wrong way round;
3. a selfie taken by an old person holding their phone the wrong way around.
Uselesstuff® Dictionary – Artificial Intelligence
Series Nº 16650
ar·ti·fi·cial in·tel·li·gence (n.):
SEE artificial stupidity.
Uselesstuff® Dictionary – Real Life, Reality
Series Nº 16651
re·al life, re·al·i·ty (n.):
an antiquated system no longer supported by many companies in Silicon Valley.
Uselesstuff® Dictionary – Rationalization
Series Nº 16652
ra·tio·nal·i·za·tion (n.):
1. the reasoning that you’re currently thinking up to justify the unnecessary purchase of this product;
2. the reasoning that you’re currently thinking up to justify the unnecessary purchase of this shirt.
Uselesstuff® Dictionary – Bureaucrat
Series Nº 16653
bu·reau·crat (n.):
a professional (but essential) killjoy.
Uselesstuff® Dictionary – Banker
Series Nº 16654
bank·er (n.):
a professional gambler.
Uselesstuff® Dictionary – Investment Adviser
Series Nº 16655
in·vest·ment ad·vis·er (n.):
a professional gambler.